“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The photographer’s assistant
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…