My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake