I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
oh shit
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Accurate
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order