Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
when nothing goes right… go left
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.