My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.