Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
#milo
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there