Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Owl Sanctuary
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.