The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?