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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
this has to be peak English
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*