You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
You Might Also Like
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I only treason on days ending in y
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
This came to me in a dream.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”