THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
shit just got real
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.