The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 馃檭
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
first you must answer his riddles
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
It鈥檚 not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don鈥檛 shut up.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Decided don鈥檛 want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?