If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.