none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I have questions??
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I forgot how to panic. Help