me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How do dragons blow out candles?