Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.