[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Who called it baking and not making love
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow