to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.