Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
He a real one for that
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*