Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)