[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!