[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.