Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.