Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
looks legit
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old