[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
#NeverForget
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.