My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I’ve been learning to cook.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.