Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube