crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Google assistant rules
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”