You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Phones down.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.