The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.