Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
me logging onto twitter
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound