[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”