Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
How do you like your Corgi?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Yup!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀