Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.