[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
This tweet has been deleted
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.