Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
New tinder profile pic
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
They got a point!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Dance like you’re not the father
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah