Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
This kinda thing happens to me often
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*