My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
the short answer to this question
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?