If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The smoothest fall of all time
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.