My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine