When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.