You Might Also Like
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
(Gaming support cat.)
the dark web is just a goth google.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.