[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀