waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I’m not stressed
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sending in my taxes
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof