My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Children of the corn 🌽
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe