where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.