There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.