Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.