Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.