Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator